1. When you leave, he thinks you’ve died and are never coming back. Every time you return home, he rejoices in the miracle of you rising from the dead.
2. Thinks every mealtime is a once in a lifetime experience. Can’t believe he’s so lucky that it’s happening again.
3. Doesn’t understand why the best toys aren’t allowed inside. (Sticks)
4. Does a confused when you get mad that they rolled around in something stinky. They were only trying to spruce up for you, human.
5. Car rides are the best pastimes ever invented. If you don’t stick your head out, do you even dog?
6. Swimming outside is so incredible, it’s truly the best, but baths are straight from hell.
7. Treat bag crinkles are the best sounds known to man dog everyone. All crinkle sounds are worth a trip to the kitchen.
8. Why be clean when you can be dirty?
9. Sees you cooking delicious meals to just sit and eat right in front of him without sharing… Why do you do him a torture?
10. Can’t stand that you brought home human baby to replace him… Then decides it’s the best thing you’ve ever done once baby starts dropping food.
11. Doesn’t understand why you need coffee before a walk. What is more invigorating than a walk?
12. Mailman is most evil being on planet. Must destroy. Followed closely by robot vacuum.
13. Heard the phrase “there’s no such thing as a stupid question” but “are you hungry?” seems like a stupid question.
14. Can’t understand what you mean by 100 lbs is just too big to be a lapdog.
15. Can’t figure out why the cat gets to potty inside, but he doesn’t. Sometimes he even cleans it up for you.
16. Didn’t want a cat until he realized it came with an all you can eat tootsie roll bar.
17. Hears you tell the vet you don’t give him any table food. Give you the “Let’s be honest, Karen…” look.
18. Wonders why you want the stick back so bad, yet you keep throwing it.
19. Doesn’t understand your confusion about why one must spin around 17 times before lying down.
20. Needs you to know, it doesn’t matter how late to work you’re going to be; he still has to find the perfect spot to poop.